Several years ago we took my 8 year old nephew into our home to raise. At the time we had a 7 year old son, a 6 year old daughter, a 3 year old daughter and a newborn daughter. Yes our hands were full, but he was family and in need.

We had had him in our home a great deal as his mom struggled through a couple marriages and jobs so we were comfortable with each other and I felt pretty confident we were up to the task. I knew he had suffered some abuse and I believed that love could conquer all. I was extremely naive in believing that if I treated him just like my son, he would turn out just like my son. Oh the learning that comes our way in this life!

Despite the fact that he chose to live with us, despite the fact that we loved him, he came with baggage and anger. I didn't understand all of it then but I came to realize the power of disrupting a child's life even if it's for his own good, and the problems that can cause. I came to understand that most of the issues I face with him and he faced were very similar to having divorced parents. His mother was one parent and I was the other. I came to realize that he had lots of reasons to be angry and instead of chastising him for that I needed to help him learn to deal with it and be able to control himself.

One of my nephews biggest issues in the first year were huge temper tantrums He would punch things and people, he would scream until he threw up, he completely disrupted our lives and scared the other children. He had learned at a very early age that tantrums produced absolute attention and usually a promise of presents. Oh boy!

One day when he was having an especially bad tantrum and the girls were crying and a hole had been punched into a wall, I was suddenly hit with inspiration. I picked up this angry, kicking, screaming boy and took him to the front porch. I sat him in a chair and told him that I knew he had every right to be angry, I knew he was sad and confused, however we had the right to be happy in our home, to not be afraid, to not have damage from the anger and to be calm. So whenever he was having a fit he had to sit on the porch and stay there until he felt better. When he felt better he could come back into the house. I was firm but calm, not easy, but doable.

He continued to scream, but I left him on the porch. When he tried to come back in screaming I took him back out and reminded him that if he felt like screaming that was fine but he had to do it outside so we didn't have to hear it. I took him out over and over but finally he came back in and was calm. Instant cure???? NO! But I knew I had to overcome 8 years of his being rewarded for tantrums so I had to be persistent. It also wasn't easy on the other kids. They worried about him being outside and upset, but I reassured them that he was fine, just mad and he was learning a hard thing, but I knew he was ok.

One night in the winter he was on the porch and had stopped screaming but had decided to Wait me out. When I listened and heard that the tantrum had stopped I went out and asked him if he was ready to come back in, he shouted "NO, I hate you!"

I went back into the house and my husband asked me if I was going to leave him out in the cold. Well this wasn't a punishment it was a learning tool so, no I didn't want him to suffer. We live in the desert so no snow, but nights can get pretty chilly, so I took him a big quilt to wrap up in and reminded him he could come in as soon as he felt better.

I don't know if it was the persistence of the love of a handmade quilt or just knowing that I loved him enough to stick to what I believed was really best for him, but he only lasted on the porch another 15 minutes.

Over the next several months he spent a fair amount of time on the porch. At first I had to carry him out there, then I would just point to the door and tell him to sit on the porch. Then we progressed to the point where when I could see him winding up I would ask if he needed the porch and he could decide if he was going outside and screaming or behaving and staying indoors. Then the final days, when he would start and I would just look at him and he would take a deep breath and find a better way of expressing himself.
During this time I also spent a lot of time helping him learn to identify things that made him mad and how to deal with them. I talked to him a lot about his mom and helped him to understand that leaving him with us was her way of taking good care of him. We worked on language skills and ways of expressing things hat bothered him before they needed to explode. And we also had him working with a really great counselor through his elementary school. That gave him a safe place to talk and complain or whatever he needed where he didn't need to feel disloyal to his mom, or to me, he could just say what he needed to say.

This isn't a new concept by any means; it's just a form of the time-out chair, or giving positive attention for the good behavior and ignoring the bad behavior. Only in this case I took him away from the things and people he was hurting. Alone he had no attention and being outside he couldn't even demand attention. That takes the stuffing out of a good tantrum right there.

It was a long process and not easy on any of us. I had a many times when I just wanted him to stop screaming and love me so badly I almost gave in, but would that help him? I spent a lot of time talking to him, talking to the other kids to help them understand, praying over the right things to do for him, eventually it paid off.

Yet another example of following through and being consistent paying off, don't try something once and decide it won't work. work on it, refine the process and try again. If you truly believe that it's the right thing to do you will find the strength to do it right.