Lets start simply; there isn't just one thing you do to raise a confident child. It takes time, love, responsibilities, successes and yes even failures.

The theory that has circulated for years of “everyone wins” just does not work. Back to basics parenting works every time. Kids need to learn success and sometimes that means they learn that they can overcome failure and find a new path. Handing success to kids only leads to dependency not independence.

We all love our kids, we know how hard it is to watch them struggle or fall down, so sometimes we wish we could do it for them, or we just do it for them. Then each time they fall, they don’t help themselves, they look to us to pick them up.

One of the most powerful things I ever learned as a mother came from a class I took that was based on I believe the book by Stephen Covey titled 7 habits of highly effective families. It was a wonderful class and I learned quite a bit but the thing that stuck with me far longer than anything else was this:

NEVER LET MERCY ROB JUSTICE

If your child is running into a busy street, you must run after him and pull him back to safety. However most learning is not done is such high risk environments. If your child has been told he will not be playing with his friends until his room is clean, then he shouldn't be playing with his friends until his room is clean. That means; even if it’s a birthday party, the play date of the year, even if he whines and cries and yells I hate you. If the consequences were clearly spelled out, he then must live with his choices.

I know, I know this sounds so harsh. But choice and consequence are a part of each of our lives. We don’t go to work, we don’t get a paycheck. We don’t fill the car with gas, we get stranded. Give your child the gift of learning choice and consequence is a safe loving environment instead of as a teen or adult learning life the hard way.

Some consequences are natural; such as you don’t do your homework you fail the class.

Be a brave parent and let the consequences fall. If this is new to you it will take some time and maybe a little heartache to train both yourself and your child. Don’t be a parent who says, "I tried that once and it didn't work". No one has ever been successful in learning anything new in one try. Parenting is the hardest job on earth and it like everything else you can think of that is hard takes lots and lots of practice.

Some consequences we impose; such as you don’t play with friends til your room is clean.

This kind of consequence parents need to think through clearly and calmly. Imposing an unfair consequence or unattainable goal just makes everyone unhappy. Don’t impose a consequence in anger, don’t impose a consequence that you have no hope of or desire to follow through on.

If your child learns that you won’t follow through, you are doomed. However we all make mistakes and if you do you this as another teaching moment. Teach your child how to apologize! The greatest example in their lives is you, the parent. So if you have imposed something unfair or in anger that you cant follow through on, take the child aside and calmly, lovingly explain that you made a mistake and you realize the unfairness of it and you are sorry.

That doesn't let the child off the hook though. Impose a fair consequence or discuss with the child what they thing would be fair. That takes a bit of negotiation, but they learn important things from that too.

Sometimes you have imposed a consequence that is a little hard, or you didn’t realize would take so much of your time. Well parent, time to step it up and take your consequences too! Life is a learning experience, mark this one down and do better next time.