I have raised 3 daughters, quite successfully if I do say so myself! Over the years I have talked to them many times about boys and then later about men. I was very concerned that they choose life companions that would bring them happiness, who were well suited to them. I felt the best way to make this happen was to help them go into relationships with their eyes open, recognizing who you are and who the person is you want to be with.

Relationships are the place we go to for happiness, peace, love, friendship, children, acceptance, growth, and just about everything else in this world that is important, so I believe they should be a conscience choice, made with the brain as well as the heart. If we put more time and effort into who we choose to be with I think we would have a lot less divorce and unhappiness. These are some of the most important choices you can make in life, you shouldn’t be just falling into them or saying it was just an accident.

I have always told the girls that the biggest lie in the world is……If he loved me, he would know……Do you know how many relationships fall apart because of this lie? He is a man, with a very male brain, he will not think as you do, he will not be able to read your mind just because he loves you, it does not mean he doesn’t really love you just because he has no clue. Open your mouth! Tell him what you need, what you want, how he makes you feel, be an honest communicator.

So back to deciding if this guy is the right one for you. Over the years the girls and I began a list of questions you should ask yourself as you decide if this guy is a keeper or not. I share this list in the interest of building families through better FIRST choices, because as women, often we lie to ourselves the most and these questions, if answered honestly will help you to make an honest decision.

Here is your list of questions:

When he tells you who he is, by his actions and how he treats you, BELIEVE HIM! His true nature will be revealed if you are willing to look.

People do not change. They become better or worse than their true core nature, look for the core. Behavior can be modified, true change only comes with a true change of heart and that only comes through Christ. LOOK FOR THE CORE, you cannot change him!

If he hasn’t proposed within a year, he’s not going to. You have become his stand by date, available and taken for granted. He doesn’t necessarily want you, he just doesn’t want to be alone. (I have only seen this rule broken one time in my life)

Are you his priority? Would your children be his priority?

If you are on edge and unhappy during courtship, you will be unhappy and on edge during marriage.

Do you feel like you’re begging for his attention? Marriage does not resolve this issue it only makes it bigger and louder!

Can you trust him? With your children? With your heart? With your finances?

Do not try to talk yourself into loving him or being with him. If it’s right you don’t have to talk yourself into anything.

Marriage is a partnership, is he your partner? Is he willing to do partnership work?

Do not accept bad behavior from him, red flags should be flying!!

How does he treat his mom? His sisters? His grandma?

How does he talk about his family?

What does his parents marriage look like? What have been his examples?

How does he talk about marriage and family?

Does he want you to share special moments with him?

How often are you together in a meaningful way? Just once in a while, when he hasn’t anything better to do?

Does he include you in his decisions, is he willing to counsel together? When you make decisions together does he value your opinion? Does he follow through?

Can you talk to him honestly? Or are you always worried to share your thoughts and feelings because you feel judged or worried he will laugh or leave?

Is he your best friend?

Does he make you feel cared for and cherished? Does he make you feel valued?

Does he make time for you?

Does he miss you when you’re not together?

Diamonds and roses may be nice, but they only last a minute, and sometimes they are just a sad replacement for the important things. Does he take time to know you and know what makes you happy? Does he do things for you that let you know you are on his mind and he’s grateful for you?

Do you make each other better people when you’re together? Are you also happy when you’re apart? Or do you worry about his faithfulness, wonder about if you will see him again? Or who he might be seeing?

And for our young Mormon readers:

Does he hold a valid temple recommend? Does he honor his priesthood? Is he faithful in his callings? What kind of home teacher is he?

Remember fasting and praying for an answer only works if you’re willing to accept the answer!

Try to remember that:

If he doesn’t make time for you now, he won’t later

If you can’t trust him now, you can’t later

If you feel uncomfortable with his choices now, watch out for later!

If your parents, who love you, have concerns, talk with them about it and be aware. They have experience and wisdom, use it

If you don’t truly know if he loves you now, you will never truly know it later.

So when you’re heading for the decision making time, take a breath and really listen you the answers you receive from these questions. We all have instincts, use them! Make choices that have the best chance for a great outcome. Don’t stumble blindly into one relationship after another, making the same mistakes over and over. Use the grace you have been given and your life, your home can be a better, happier place.